Have you ever asked for something from your man over and over again and they just don’t seem to get it? It may be that every time you ask, they actually cannot hear you. You think they can, because they acknowledge you, but in reality, unless you have their FULL attention, and are not doing anything else, like looking at the computer, driving to a restaurant, watching TV, etc., they can not hear you because they are single focused on getting a result every time, all the time.
If you need something it is crucial that you ask at the right time and in the right way in order to get what you want. You see men want nothing more than to make women happy, and to win at making them happy, they just need to be set up to win.
Here is how to go about it:
First, ask to interrupt. It’s important to say this because if they are engaged in anything other than in a conversation with you, you are interrupting something they are doing. You may be interrupting their thinking. It’s important to say this because men take interruption as disempowering and diminishing unlike women. Women interrupt all the time, and it means nothing to us. That’s how we communicate. We interrupt to help to be clear, to help the other person find the words, and so on. Start noticing that men do not do this when they communicate with each other. They simply stay quiet and nod every once in a while. They don’t nod like women do either, because that is considered interrupting as well. Men have they’re information buried deep as well. So the if you have patience, sit quietly, smiling and listening to learn about them, instead of listening to agree or disagree, you will get a wealth of information. You could say “Sorry to interrupt, but I have something I want to talk to you about†or “Sorry to interrupt but we have some things to discuss about (Result)†or “Sorry to interrupt, but can I ask you a quick question?†Make sure you get eye contact.
Second, Ask when there is a good time to talk. You could say something like “When would be a good time to talk?â€
Third, let him know that there is nothing wrong and he’s not in trouble, and you either need his help, or you just need him to listen and not solve a problem. Any time a man listens to a woman he is either listening for a problem to solve and is always looking for the point. So when you do describe your need, get to the point as quickly as possible.
When talk time comes, set him up to win. Unlike women, men will not even attempt something if they don’t think they have a good chance of winning. Women will try and try until something works. This stems from gatherer with baby. They will try everything to get the baby to stop crying right? Men do not have this instinct. So saying something that you authentically admire that they’ve done is a great way to start the “NEEDS†conversation. It will make him feel good, and have him want to listen.
Did you know that women hold their feelings in their chest, while men hold, and express their feelings through their shoulders? Their feelings can travel through their arms and to their hands. This is probably why when men get angry they punch walls. You don’t hear about too many women punching doors and walls when they get angry do we? When you see a man with shoulders back, head held high, he is feeling empowered and good about himself. When you see a man who is hunched over, he is carrying the world on his shoulders, and he is disempowered and diminished. Being criticized, being interrupted, having their opinions be dismissed, can all lead to men feeling this way.
Men’s’ opinions are equivalent to a woman’s feelings. Men base their opinions on facts that they’ve accumulated over time through their experiences. They trust these facts, and do not trust feelings. This stems from hunter. If a man didn’t feel like hunting, he and his family would go hungry and die. Therefore instinctually they think that if they acted on their feelings they would not survive.
Women’s opinions can change with the wind. Yes? If a woman expresses her opinion it isn’t all that important. Someone can disagree and that’s okay because they may have a difference of opinion; but if anyone were to disagree with a woman’s feelings, well, how could that be? A woman knows her feelings and it is hurtful if they are dismissed. The same goes for a man’s opinions. Therefore, invalidating a mans opinions is equivalent to invalidating a woman’s feelings.
Because of this, it is important to be aware of how you are listening to a man. Instead of listening to a man to agree or disagree with his opinions, try listening to learn about him. Listen for what he is passionate about; listen to what he finds important and what he is committed to. Sit, smile, and listen quietly, without nodding or interrupting and see what happens. It may be difficult at first, but the longer you wait in (what may be awkward) silence, will give you a wealth of information. Picture a water well dipping into the base of his stomach gathering information instead of water and bringing up to his mouth, spilling out to you.
If you want to know how a man feels; ask him what he thinks or to give you his opinion about something. If he forms an opinion, it is an expression of him and what he values.
Values (Themselves)+Facts (Data) = Opinions
It’s okay to disagree with his opinion, but it is vital to respect his opinion first. Respect that there is a difference in opinion but know that it can be infuriating to them if you don’t take his opinion into consideration, the same way it would be for him not to take your feelings into consideration.
